I bring this issue up in the midst of my series on personal values because I think it touches on the core of my next value. I'm calling it dignity. For me, part of my reasoning for removing myself from the church environment, at least for now, has been about an inappropriate connection I've felt in church between self and actions. When we
condemn people, rather than choices, I think we've made a critical
error. We've chosen not to give dignity to the human being in
question.
I
firmly believe that human beings were made in the image of God, that
we are intended for good, that we are capable of great things, and
that ultimately, we are good. Are we also capable of self-destructive
patterns that can harm others? Of course. But is that who we really
are, in our heart of hearts? Is that where we are happiest, most
fulfilled, free and full of love, joy and peace? No. *
Because
of this belief, I reject any cultural pattern that uses shame as a
way to control behavior. This very much includes the evangelical
church. Children are not "bad girls/boys" when they make
bad choices. They are precious people who are doing something
wrong/unhealthy/harmful/bad, however you want to frame that. But they
are not bad when they make bad choices, have a bad moment, feel big
emotions, or make the "lesser" choice. They need guidance, tools, encouragement and dignity to make better choices. They don't need shame.
I
cannot overstate how important the difference is between these two
approaches. When we make someone feel bad about WHO THEY ARE based on
WHAT THEY DO, we're often perpetuating the exact reasons why people
make bad choices in the first place - because they feel like shit.
(I'm also really working on not framing everything as "good"
or "bad" in the first place, but that's another
conversation. I'm using good/bad framework to make a greater point
here).
Using
this lens, I see the people around me, my children and myself very
differently. I'm working to no longer pressure myself to behave in
order to make others approve of me, that their
approval somehow makes me something that I'm not without it. It's
revolutionized the way I approach my faith. I'm beginning to learn
what grace really is! And guess what? It's AWESOME. I'm replacing the
idea that I'm terrible and He's so great with I'm great and He thinks so too. He's my source and He's my friend. While
I tend to be hard on myself, He's soft towards me. In my personal
experience (which I understand is wildly subjective), He is always
sweeter, kinder, gentler and more patient that I am with myself.
After all this time, I'm still blown away by Him.
It's
taken me awhile to identify shame and its destructive nature in me.
If you're not entirely sure what I'm talking about, check out Brene Brown's extensive work on the subject. She has done amazing research
and her descriptions of what shame feels like and how to combat it
have been really helpful to me. When you shut yourself down because
your feelings are "stupid/dramatic/dumb/overreacting",
that's shame. When you decide not to communicate what you're thinking
and feeling because "they probably won't listen to me
anyway/it's not important/it'll just make them mad", that's
shame. When you don't want to do something but you do it anyway because you feel like you should, that's often motivated by shame. When you don't
communicate what you need because "it's too much/not worth
it/silly", that's shame.
We have GOT to give ourselves dignity
or we'll never be able to extend it to others. We don't give
ourselves dignity so we can dole it out (also an important
distinction). We give ourselves dignity because God put it in us when
He made us. Humans are inherently valuable regardless
of belief, age, sex, race, sexual orientation, nationality,
socioeconomic status and political party. We are worthy of respect
and dignity BY NATURE. We need to acknowledge that within ourselves
and within the people all around us, especially people we don't love
or agree with. It's so insanely easy to assume ill motive of others
who come from a different perspective. But they deserve dignity and
their views are valid, even if you disagree.
The
lack of giving others dignity (I also see this as giving people the
benefit of the doubt) is so clearly seen in how conservative
Christians treat Barack Obama. Yes, apparently I'm going there. He's
a person, guys. He's not the anti-christ, terrorist, Muslim that you
say he is. He's a person. You may disagree with him politically.
That's fine. We're lucky to live in a country where that is perfectly
acceptable. Use your voting power and your influence to make change. In your disagreement, don't forget to acknowledge that he is a human being and therefore, has inherent
dignity that needs to be treated with respect. (My husband next to me would like to add that this disparaging treatment, of course, happened to George W. Bush as well. Unfortunately, hatred runs on both sides of this partisan river. This is one of the many reasons I try to stay out of political arguments - says the woman who probably just started one).
When
we focus on sin elimination in the church (always working on some sin
area in our lives) we completely miss the point of grace. God is not
in the business of behavior modification. Of course, we are not entirely separate from our actions. But neither are we the sum of them. The story of the adulterous
woman comes to mind. The Jews bring before Jesus a woman they caught
in the act of adultery and ask if she is to be stoned (according to
Old Testament law). Not even going to start ranting here about where
the eff the man is in this scenario, but seriously? WTF? Jesus gets
down on her level, writes something on the ground (we don't know
what) and asks the crowd to stone her if they haven't sinned
themselves. They all walk away, he looks into her eyes and tells her
she's safe ("I don't condemn you") and she can make different choices ("Go and sin no more), not because she's a
bad person and needs to shape up, but because she is loved! She
matters! He is giving her dignity.
This is a huge deal for a number of reasons. He had every authority to lay into her. Man, he would have been fully qualified to condemn her. The object of this gift of dignity is a woman. Seriously, in this culture, especially an "impure" woman was of very little value. He spoke to her. He got on her level. He defended her publicly. He did not condemn her. He also empowered her to do good. If he can give her dignity, how can we not give it to her and to ourselves as well?
Who are the "adulterous women" in our modern culture? Certainly, women are still struggling to be given dignity. Definitely anyone in a racial minority. There is certainly a lot of angst among the various religious groups in our country right now. Homosexual and transgender individuals most definitely. Poor people, yup. How can we give dignity to them? How can we stop seeing them as "them" and begin to see them as "us"? Because let's face it, folks: every human has inherent dignity given to them by God. Don't take it away. Be in the business of giving it back.
*
As a side note, I will say that I believe there is a point in a
person's life where they can cultivate their evil leanings, leading
to a very active, purposefully destructive lifestyle. While I believe
this goes against our intended nature, it is clearly evident in those
who take great pleasure in hurting others. I'm more speaking to us
normal folks, not the sadists in the world.
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